What Not to Say to Someone with Dementia — and What to Say Instead
Some of the most well-meaning things families say to a parent with dementia make things worse. Here's what to avoid and what actually works.
Most families say the wrong things to a parent with dementia out of love, not carelessness. The impulse to correct, remind, reassure, and reason is a natural expression of care. The problem is that dementia changes what those things produce in the person receiving them.
What feels helpful to you can feel threatening, confusing, or humiliating to your parent — not because of their personality, but because of what the disease does to how the brain processes language and emotion.
Here’s what to stop saying, why it doesn’t work, and what to say instead.
”Don’t you remember? I just told you.”
Why families say it: Frustration at the repetition, or a genuine belief that reminding the person will help them recall.
Why it doesn’t work: The memory isn’t accessible. Pointing out that the person should remember something they can’t access doesn’t retrieve the memory — it communicates that they’ve failed. The emotional residue of shame and inadequacy stays even when the words don’t.
What to say instead: Answer the question as if it’s the first time. Every time. This is genuinely hard and it’s one of the most exhausting parts of dementia care. But “yes, lunch is at noon” said calmly for the fifteenth time costs you something and costs them nothing. “Don’t you remember, I just told you” costs you something and costs them something too.
”You already asked me that.”
Why families say it: Same impulse — the belief that highlighting the repetition will somehow interrupt the pattern.
Why it doesn’t work: The repetition is a symptom of the disease, not a habit that can be corrected by pointing it out. The person isn’t choosing to ask again. The question feels new to them every time because the previous answer hasn’t been retained.
What to say instead: Answer again. If you’re emotionally depleted and can’t do it warmly, a calm neutral answer is fine. If you’re at the point where this is consistently triggering significant frustration, that’s important information about your own need for respite — not a character flaw, but a signal.
”You’re wrong” / “That didn’t happen” / “That’s not true”
Why families say it: Commitment to accuracy, or concern that going along with something false is somehow harmful.
Why it doesn’t work: The third golden rule of dementia care is to avoid contradiction. Arguing with someone who has dementia about facts doesn’t restore accurate memory — it creates distress without any benefit.
If your parent believes it’s 1987 and your father (who died ten years ago) is coming home for dinner, correcting this creates grief — the fresh, acute grief of learning about a death for what feels like the first time. Every correction is a new loss.
What to say instead: Enter their reality rather than pulling them into yours. “Tell me about what you’re making for dinner” is a different conversation than “Dad died in 2015, Mum.” One produces connection. The other produces pain.
The exception: safety. If the false belief creates immediate physical danger, address the safety — not the belief.
”What day is it? Who am I? Do you know where you are?”
Why families say it: Testing — trying to gauge where the person is cognitively.
Why it doesn’t work: Direct questions requiring recall are among the hardest things for someone with dementia to answer. They feel like tests. Failing a test — especially in front of a family member — is humiliating. The anxiety this produces can make everything else harder for hours afterward.
What to say instead: If you want to understand how your parent is doing, observe rather than quiz. Watch how they navigate the morning routine. Notice whether they recognize familiar objects and people. Ask open questions that don’t have right and wrong answers: “How are you feeling today?” or “What would you like to do this afternoon?"
"You need to try harder” / “Just concentrate”
Why families say it: The mistaken belief that the cognitive difficulty reflects insufficient effort.
Why it doesn’t work: Dementia is neurological. The brain changes that cause memory loss, word-finding difficulty, and processing delays are not overcome by effort or concentration. Suggesting otherwise communicates that the person is choosing not to perform — which is both inaccurate and cruel, however unintentionally.
What to say instead: Reduce the cognitive load rather than asking for more. Simplify the question. Remove distractions. Give more time. These interventions actually help. Encouragement to try harder does not.
”Remember when…” (as a memory test)
Why families say it: Attempting to prompt recall, or sharing a fond memory in a way that’s meant to be connecting.
Why it doesn’t work: When “remember when” is used to test recall, and the person can’t remember, it highlights loss rather than connection.
What to say instead: Share the memory yourself rather than asking them to retrieve it. “I was thinking about the summer we went to Kelowna — you made those incredible pancakes every morning” is a story, not a test. They may not remember it, but they can receive it. And long-term memory often survives longer than short-term, so familiar stories sometimes land in ways that recent events don’t.
”I already told you I can’t come today.”
Why families say it: Exasperation, usually justified by real constraints.
Why it doesn’t work: The person asking isn’t being manipulative. They’ve forgotten the previous answer. Responding with exasperation communicates that they’ve done something wrong by forgetting — which is the disease, not them.
What to say instead: Acknowledge what they’re feeling, not the factual repetition. “I know you’d love a visit — I’m looking forward to it too. I’ll be there Thursday.” Then redirect if you can: “Is there something I can help with right now?”
The underlying principle
Dementia does not rob someone of their dignity. It’s our reaction to them that does.The most important shift is from trying to bring the person with dementia into our reality to meeting them in theirs. Their reality is the one that feels real to them. Correcting it, testing it, or expressing frustration at it doesn’t change it — it just makes navigating it more painful.
This is genuinely hard, especially over months and years of caregiving. If you find yourself consistently responding in ways you wish you hadn’t, that’s almost always a sign that you need more support and respite — not a sign that you’re failing as a caregiver.
If you want to talk through how to set up care at home in a way that’s actually sustainable, that’s what my care navigation call is designed for.
Not sure where to start?
I offer free care navigation calls for families navigating dementia and senior care in BC. Tell me a little about your situation and I’ll reach out within 24 hours.
Free resource: Get the BC Dementia Caregiver Kit — 9 printable templates including daily care logs, conversation scripts, doctor visit prep sheets, and more.
This article is part of the Aging at Home series. Also see: What Is the 90-Second Rule for Dementia? · When a Parent with Dementia Refuses Help
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Gurjot Narwal · Founder, Gini Advanced Care Hospital · Founder, Ginie Health Canada · Owner, Home Instead White Rock · 100ers · gurjotnarwal.com